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The Garden VI- Revised
[In the Garden]
[Ruto hears a rustling.]
Ruto: Who is there? Link, is that you?
Link: Yes, Ruto. 'Tis I. How are you today?
Ruto: I'm just dandy. And you, dear?
Link: I'm fine. Now, what was so important that I had to come alllll the way out to the Garden?
Ruto: Now, now. Let's not be too hasty... [thinks] Still, I think he's rather tasty! ^_^
Link: Come on! I need to get back to Zelda!
Ruto: Always Zelda, huh?! [muttering] mmghfgnep Zelda shrofgriklfm always blemarsoondsnf never dslfjsjdhfngobleh!
Link: ... please Ruto?
Ruto: Okay! See, you know how at your wedding we learned a secret about Gimli?
Link: Yeah, about his son, right?
Ruto: Yep!
Link: So... you're telling me who his son is?
Ruto: Well... let me tell you a story, all right?
[Pretty music plays as the Garden fades away to Hyrule Field.]
Ruto voiceover: A long time ago... actually, twenty years ago, a young Hylian woman and her lover appeared before my father, asking for a place to stay. Since he is a king you know, he has some power and influence. ^_^
[A young woman is running towards Zoras' Domain, and the King of the Zoras is seen talking to her as the scene changes- then he sadly shakes his head and sends the woman away.]
Unfortunately, the woman could not stay with the Zoras, for her lover was not of our kind. They travelled all over Hyrule, but until they came upon the Great Deku Tree, they had no luck. At the time there was a war, and it was quite dangerous to be travelling. The young woman was badly hurt when they arrived at the Great Deku Tree. He took them in, and watched over the woman. The man was just fine, as he was a sturdy dwarf. As they found out that night, the woman was with child.
[The woman falls to her knees in front of the Deku Tree, after having walked all over Hyrule. He lover catches her and inquires as to their staying there with the Tree. The scene changes to nighttime, and the woman is in labor.]
Unfortunately for the little family, the mother ran away in the night, immediately after the birthing.
[While a dark figure runs away from the Tree, the dwarf is seen sobbing over a crib which holds two shining children- a tiny baby boy and a beautiful little girl. The girl is serious looking and has gleaming raven hair, and shiny green eyes. The little boy is blond and cheery, and has sparkly blue eyes and a huge smile upon his plump little face.]
The father had no idea what to do with these children- he was not used to taking care of two babies simutaneously, all alone. The Deku Tree only could keep one baby, and the small girl would not have fit in at all, being dark as she was. So the father took the little boy and kissed him goodbye, told him that his daddy loved him, and nestled him tightly in among the leaves at the base of the Tree.
[The Great Deku Tree is shown, with a blond baby grinning out from the piles of leaves at its roots. The big dwarf is waving as he travels away, clutching a bundle of blankets that are tucked around the baby in his arms.]
And now, twenty years later, the babies have grown up and led full wonderful lives, and the father has also been happy- although he lost his darling daughter ten years ago. He left her to be raised by a royal family elsewhere in the world, as he went on a very dangerous expedition with six other people of assorted races. She grew up to be quite lovely and much sought after, and to this day expects to be treated like a queen.[The scene changes from a picture of Gimli to Cleo.]
The father? Gimli. The daughter? .... Cleopatra.
[Link gasps and falls over.]
The son? .............................................
[Link gets up and leans over further to Ruto.]
.............................................. the son is .............
[Link's mouth is open from shock and anticipation. He waves his hands around as a "hurry up!!" gesture.]
.................................. YOU..............................
[Link falls over again.]
Link: WHAT?!??!???!?!??!?!?!?!!!?!?!?
Ruto: It's true, my love. Cleo is your sister, and Gimli is your father.
Link: HOLY SHU!!! HOLEY CHEESE!!! HOLY GOD!!!
Ruto: ... Yeah.... >_>
Link: This is insane! Cleo?! My sister?! Gimli... my dad?!?!?
Ruto: I would have told you sooner, but ZELDA wouldn't let me... Grrr....
Link: ... Wait... Why wouldn't Zelda want me to know? Why didn't she tell me herself?
Ruto: [shrugs] I dunno. But she didn't want you to know.
Zelda: [from bushes] Ruto!!!
Ruto: Drat! Caught like a rat!
Link: That two lines, they rhymed!
Ruto: You too, rhymed- cool!
Link: It all did, silly kid!
Zelda: How cheesy!
Link: Fo sheezy!
Ruto: AnYwHo!
Zelda: Yeah!
Link: Yeah!
Ruto: I don't need your consent to talk to Link, ya know... I can talk to whomever I desire!
Zelda: But when I asked- no, TOLD you specifically not to tell Link, I kinda thought you had enough decency to respect my wishes!
Link: But why, Zelda?
Ruto: I don't have to listen to this, you spoiled selfigh little brat! JUST because you are a princess does NOT mean you can boss everyone around!! Here's some news for you, sweet- I'M A CHEESING PRINCESS TOO!!!
Zelda: Language, Ruto! THAT DOESN'T MATTER YOU STUPID FISH-GIRL!!!! WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE THIS FIGHT AGAIN!!!!!
Ruto: YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!
Zelda: Yes I can.
Ruto: No. You. Can't.
Link: Cheese... Just buzzzz already!!!!! Both of you!! Why can't you just talk to each other?!?
[Zelda and Ruto stop arguing and look at Link, then glare at each other.]
Link: Come on... Ruto, let Zelda tell me why she didn't want me to know stuff.
Zelda: Ahem. Well. To start, I guess I-
[Before she can start, a crash, followed by a giggle, comes from the general direction of the bushes. Legolas and Cleo appear, lost in conversation.]
Legolas: Yes, the perfect place...
Cleo: Ooh, Leggy! Here we are! All... alone??
[Upon noticing the others, Legolas and Cleo halt. They all look at each other.]
Legolas and Link: What are you doing here?!
Cleo and Zelda: We came to talk!
Ruto and Zelda: We were here first!!
Link and Legolas: Well... uh. [Link] The Garden's pretty big... [Legolas] We can all fit...
[Cleo giggles.]
Link: Well that was fun. Anywho... Zelda was about to tell me something important.
Zelda: Yeah, I was gonna tell him why I didn't tell him about his family, because Ruto here decided to take it upon herself and tell him! >< [GROWL]
Ruto: The Zelda came barging in and ruined it all!! [HISS]
Cleo: Wait... so... Link knows?
Link: Yeah... I know... you're... my sister.
Cleo: Brother!!
[They hug.]
Gimli: [Crashing through bushes.] Aw... It's so wonderful to see my two beautiful children together, getting along!!
Link: ......... Father?
Gimli: Son.
Link: [Starts laughing.] I'm sorry... it's so weird to think of Gimli as a father figure! It's insane! Like... if some random high school student was sitting there writing this out, for the sick twisted humour of her friends... it makes no sense, but in a way it does!
Zelda: Okay, chill out sweetie!
Link: Okay... I'm better.
Gimli: I don't see why it's so funny...
Link: Sorry... but... It's so unlikely! We don't look anything alike... Neither does Cleo!
Gimli: Oh... Well.... [Looks uncomfortable.]
Link: ....[Stops smiling.] Umm.... What?
Zelda: Oh Link!! This is why I didn't tell you about Gimli in the first place!!! It's so complicated!!! See... You and Cleo have different mothers!
[Collective GASP!!]
Link: ...What? ...Why didn't anyone say that? Why is it such a huge deal?
Gimli: Well son... I thought it'd be easier for you growing up...
Link: I was an orphan growing up!! I was shunned by all peoples! I wasn't wanted anywhere until I saved Hyrule from destruction!!!
Gimli: You still would have been shunned, maybe even worse!!! You're a half-breed!
Link: ...What??
Cleo: Yes, my brother... it's true. We both are half-breeds. I am half-dwarf, half-human... and you...
Gimli: You, son, are half-dwarf... half-elf.
Link: Whoa... Wow... Um... Wait. Then... Who is my mother?
Gimli: Turn around. There she is. [Points to bushes behind Link.]
[A figure emerges from the brush. Link turns, and gasps! It's his mommy!!!]
THE STORY OF POTATO CHIPS!!!
Yes, I'm sure you've been waiting for this, so heeere it is!!
Many people think that either some Frenchy guy or some English dude invented the potato chip, but as it is, they were too busy having a war. SO... it was left up to either the Irish, the Switzerlandiantionsianicans OOOOORRRRRRRRR the Asians. Well, the Irish were busy dying and not eating enough because of the stupid English warpeoples, and the Switzerlandiantionsianicans were discovering Alaska, sooo... The Asians truly are the ones who granted us the pleasure of the chip. ^_^
Once upon a time, a small Asian was all like "YO. Mommy... I want a potato." But since they were in Asia, there were very very few potatoes. The mommy, being a nice Asian lady, was like "Okeedokeeartichokee" because it sounded Asian, and she tried to make a potato out of rice. It didn't quite work. So the little Asian thing was like "Rawr." And he/she/it went to his/her/its happy little friend's house, who happened to be a potato fiend. Unfortunately, the friend wasn't home... so the little Asian was forced to steal one! GASP! But then, since he/she/it was a nice good little Asian, he/she/it felt bad. So he/she/it decided to make it up to the potato. It was kinda cold for Asia, so the Asian guy was like "Hey.. I'll make the happy little potato happy... and warm. YAY!" But the potato wouldn't fit in the little oveny thingy... so the Asian cut it into little pieces. And then it was all "AHH!!! I'm fried! And crispy! Taste my fattening goodness!!" And the Asian was like "Whoa... yo... dude... *-*" And then the potato chips were like "AHHHHH!!!! It burns!!! Witness the power of my burnt edges!" And then the Asian was like "Dude.. I'ma sell you!!!" And so he tried, but the EVIL English dudes were like "Man... you're all little and Asianlike. So.. I SHALL STEAL THE IDEA!!! Muahahahahhahahhahahhahahhahahaaa!!!" And the Frenchies were like "Ahahaha... We laugh all backwards like! ::twirls mustache:: Zee Potahto cheep shall bee mihn! Ahahahahah!" So no one knows of the Asian's potato chip inventy ness. Sad, tisn't it? Yes indeed. Tis.
~* *~
Link: [GASP]
[The figure walks into the light---- it is...... GALADRIEL!!!!!!]
Galadriel: Yes, Link- I am your mommy!
Link: Cheese... this keeps getting more and more screwed up! >_<;;
Galadriel: But it's true, love.
Gimli: Yes, son. We really are your parents... unlike... >>
Ruto: Now Gimli... We can't go giving every one of Link and Zelda's secrets away!!
Gimli: But you did!
Zelda: What ever do you mean?
Link: Wait a second... The visiony story thingy showed me and Cleo born together...??
Gimli: Oh, no... You weren't born together. You were already born when we arrived.
Galadriel: See... I had you, and I loved you, I truly did- But I was in no position to have a baby, especially one who was half-dwarf!!
Gimli: Heyy...
Galadriel: Well, anyways. I had you in secret, and then foolishly I must admit, left your father. I knew of the other woman, but I didn't tell him I knew. It would have only made things harder. So I ran.
Gimli: You... knew? All along?
Galadriel: Of course. You shouldn't have picked someone I was friends with, love. I could tell just by looking at her!
Link: Wait... Who is Cleo's mommy?
Galadriel: Why, Marie, of course!
Cleo: Marie?! My mother?!
Ruto: Not just yours, of course....
Gimli: SHH!! Ruto!!! You've told enough secrets to last a long while!!
Link: What? Marie has other children? Who else?
Ruto: Oh, just a certain... princess... ::cough::
Link: Wait... [turns to look at Zelda.]
Zelda: Oh, don't be silly. You know my mother is Mephitabel!
Ruto: That's what YOU think.
Gimli: SHHH!!!!!
Zelda: What???
[A crashing noise interrupts, as usual, when Caesar and Marie come into view.]
Caesar: Oh look! A party, and we weren't invited!
Zelda: Daddy!! Who's my mommy?!? Mephitabel, right??
Marie: [laughs] Mephitabel? Your mom?? Yeah! As if!
Zelda: Then... who?
[Caesar looks uncomfortable, and glances around the Garden, glaring.]
Caesar: Well... your mother... is...
Ruto: MARIE!!!!!!!!!
Cleo: GASP!!
Legolas: GASP!!!
Zelda: GASP!!!
Link: GASP!!!
Ruto: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zelda: That can't be... Daddy, it isn't true, is it??
Caesar: Well. We're not... completely... sure. >_>;
Zelda: What?
Ruto: What?
Zelda: Wait... How can you not know who my mommy is?!
Marie: You see sweetie, Daddy's the Emperor! He can do what- or whom- ever he wishes! [giggle]
Caesar: Well. Ahem. Let's not put it that way, please. Umm.. See, Zel-zel, Daddy has been with a few women in his time, and it just so happens that a couple of women could be your mommy. We've managed to narrow it down to three, so... I guess there's no better time to find out, hmm?
Zelda: This... is too much. I can't believe it!!
[Caesar claps his hands twice; two women emerge from the bushes. They are Mephitabel and a woman no one has seen in the Garden before... Joan of Arc!]
Zelda: Oh Daddy... How could you?
Mephitabel: It's gotta be me! We have history, Caesar!
Joan: You fool, we all have l'histoire avec Caesar!!
Marie: Shh. We're not here to argue. Now... Artemidorus, might thou come forward and tell us who is Zelda's mother?
[Artemidorus emerges, and everyone sits up in anticipation.]
Artemidorus: Ahheemm... Well. I have done strenuous research, and it seems that--
WHO IS ZELDA'S MOTHER?!?! IS IT: JOAN OF ARC; OFFICER BARBRADY ****you have to watch "South Park" to get that one... ^_^***; MARIE; THE BABYLONIANS; MEPHITABEL; HENRY THE GARDENER; OR FFUPRETTUB?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
[A gaggle of people arrive in the Garden.]
Antony: Hey guys!!
Wyatt: Do you all remember me?? I love Melissa!! I was in the Garden two... ^_^
Melissa: Yeah, weren't our names written on a desk or something?
Artemidorus: AHEM!!!!
Galadriel: Yes, dears, Artemidorus here was about to tell who Zelda's mother is.
Legolas: Turns out, Caesar's a pimp. :-P
[Gasp!]
Artemidorus: ANYWAYS! Okay. I did some research and I found that Zelda's mother is....
WHO IS ZELDA'S MOTHER?!?! IS IT: JOAN OF ARC; OFFICER BARBRADY; MARIE; THE BABYLONIANS; MEPHITABEL; MELISSA; THE 1926 DALLAS COWBOYS; OR YESLEK?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
[Everyone looks on eagerly.]
Artemidorus: ................................
WHO IS ZELDA'S MOTHER?!?! IS IT: JOAN OF ARC; OFFICER BARBRADY; BRUTUS; MARIE; THE BABYLONIANS; MEPHITABEL; HENRY THE GARDENER; THE BEATLES; OR FFUPRETTUB?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
[Everyone waits.]
Artemidorus: ................................
WHO IS ZELDA'S MOTHER?!?! IS IT: CAPTAIN CLARDY; OFFICER BARBRADY; SANTA CLAUS; THE BABYLONIANS; JUDAS; THE EGYPTIANS; OR FFUPRETTUB?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
[Still waiting....]
Artemidorus: ................................
WHO IS ZELDA'S MOTHER?!?! IS IT: JOAN OF ARC; OFFICER BARBRADY; MARIE; THE BABYLONIANS; MEPHITABEL; THE RATS THAT LIVE IN MRS GOSHERT'S ROOM; OR DONATELLO, THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE (THE PURPLE ONE)?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
[Patience... Eventually he'll tell...]
Artemidorus: ................................
WHO IS ZELDA'S MOTHER?!?! IS IT: JOAN OF ARC; OFFICER BARBRADY; GHANDI; A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE; MARIE; THE ANCIENT GREEK GODS; MEPHITABEL; JOHNNY THE HOMOCIDAL MANIAC; OR HAPPY NOODLE BOY?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
[COME ON!!!!!!!]
WHO IS OFFICER BARBRADY?!?! IS HE: JOAN OF ARC; TIMMY TURNER; ABE LINCOLN; MARIE CURIE; A LOSER; JOHN F. KENNEDY; JUDAS; QUASIMODO; AN ELEPHANT; MEPHITABEL; RANDOM GUY ON STREET; OR A FISH NAMED WANDA?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Artemidorus: ................................ Mephitabel.........
[GASP!!!]
Artemidorus: ................................ Is not the mother.......
[GASP!!!] **Heehee... ::sticks tongue out at Sherri**
WHO IS ZELDA'S MOTHER?!?! IS IT: JOAN OF ARC; SPIDERMAN; LA COMPAGNIE CREOLE; SHAKESPEARE; FREDDIE PRINZE JR.; OFFICER BARBRADY; NIRE; YESLEK; IRREHS; THE RING; NERAK; CAESAR; NIRE SEVOL LUAP; JINGLE BELLS; LUCIFER; MARIE; KENNETH; LINK; THE BABYLONIANS; SOMEONE OTHER THAN MEPHITABEL; DIB; HENRY THE GARDENER; THE ALIEN; THE BIRDS; MAXX; PAUL; WAYNE; MALCOLM FROM "MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE"; LUNCHBOX; RIKU; KAIRI; HALEIGH; AN EAR LEPRECHAUN; ANTIGONE; LEGOLAS; ANTONY; HARRY POTTER; ARAGORN; "MRS. WENDLER"; SHERRI; KELSEY; MR. WENDLER; LAURA; DR. WATSON; THE LOCKER; SHERLOCK; KAREN; GIR; HAIMON; ZIM; HEATHER; THE CITIZENS OF ATLANTIS; OEDIPUS; KELSEY'S MOMMY; THE BUGS THAT LIVED IN THE LOCKER LAST YEAR BECAUSE THE TWISTER MAT HAD FOOD AND WATER AND ALL KINDS OF CRAP ALL OVER IT AND WE NEVER BOTHERED TO CLEAN IT UP CUZ WE'RE LAZY AND STUPID AND THEY NEVER GAVE US TWISTER-MAT-CLEANING TIME; THE POWERPUFF GIRLS' ANNOUNCER GUY; ASHLEY; A LIGHTNING BUG; THE SPANISH INQUISITION; SHERRI'S MOMMY; JAY; LACY; CASSIUS; HELIUM; A NEON SIGN FROM A LAS VEGAS CASINO; SAAALG; ERIN LOVES PAUL; CLEOPATRA; SMILE.DK; ANTIMONY; TRAVIS; RANDOM ASIAN; GEORGE W. BUSH; SARIA; SORA; FRODO; THE ENTIRE FOTL; DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION; BARBIE; THE FOTL WEBSITE; OR SHU THE RAT?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ::breathes heavily::
Artemidorus: ................................ Marie.......
[Pregnant pause.]
Artemidorus: ................................ Is not the mother.
[Everyone looks at Joan. Artemidorus nods.]
Artemidorus: .............. Jeanne d'Arc, a.k.a. Joan of Arc, thou art Zelda's mother!!!
[GASP!!!!!!]
Joan: Aww... Zelda... my darling daughter... [wipes away tears.] I've missed you! I hated to leave you so long ago! And I'm so sorry you thought Mephitabel was your mommy... But see, I arranged with Caesar to make sure that you were old enough to understand when you found out about me, and his pimp-ness. ^_^ So he told you Mephitabel was your mother to cover it up.
Zelda: But why'd you leave anyway?
Joan: I was young and everything... Plus, there was this war... And I had to go save France... Yada yada yada... Too much was going on! I couldn't take care of a baby! But I am back for good this time, and we're going to make up for all these lost years! My darling baby girl!!
[They hug.]
Caesar: Aww... We'll be a real family!
Link: I'll have a mommy-in-law and a daddy-in-law, and a mommy and a daddy, and a sister!!!
Gimli: I have my children back! And my wife!
Cleo: I have a daddy and a brother!! AND a mommy!
[They all hug.]
Legolas: Well. I have been quiet for some time, letting you all get this worked out, but now there is something I must say.
[Everyone listens.]
Legolas: Cleopatra... I love you. I want you to be my wife.
Cleo: Awwww!!! How sweet!!! But... didn't you ask me this already?
Legolas: I don't remember. Will you marry me?
Cleo: Bien sur!
[Everyone laughs and claps. Legolas and Cleo kiss.]
Caesar: This has been a wonderful day, full of surprise and love. I'm so glad everyone's happy!
Zelda: Cleo, I'm so happy for you!! I hope your wedding is as lovely as mine was! I hope you have a beautiful dress and a delicious cake, and oh Legolas, do listen about the flowers!
Link: DUDE! They were exactly what we agreed on! I even changed my idea so you could be happy!! (^_^)
Zelda: But you said NOTHING!!!
Link: They were just the flowers!!!!!
Zelda: I guess I shouldn't complain... at least the flowers were there!!!!
Link: That wasn't my fault either!!!
Galadriel:
Zelda: Well.. I guess that's true. I'm sorry Link. I'll never mention it again!
[They kiss.]
Link: And we're going to have a baby soon!
Zelda: Yes, a tiny Asian!! I'm so excited!! [pets tummy]
Galadriel: Awww!!! I'm so proud!
Caesar: Me too!
Joan: Moi aussi!
Gimli: Ditto!
[Everyone cheers and hugs. The couples kiss. Everyone decides that this is the perfect end of the day, and to go to bed now. They say their farewells and depart. Another lovely day in the Garden has ended. As the sun sets upon the Garden, Zelda and Link await the arrival of the little Asian; Gimli and Galadriel have a reunion; Caesar and Joan, accompanied by Marie and Mephitabel, go to catch up; and Legolas and Cleo celebrate their new engagement! Everyone is happy and content, and in love. Thus ends the Garden VI (FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). What wonders will the Garden VII bring??]
~* THE END *~
(>< ....finally.... ><)
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